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I interviewed a lovely and vibrant 65 year old
African American woman, who remembers growing up in a small,
safe and loving rural community in the deep south during the
1950's and 1960's. She is now married, has a son and a daughter,
and three grandchildren.
She raised her children during the civil rights
movement, and was often afraid to send them to school. She
participated in anti-segregation demonstrations, and knew
people who were killed while demonstrating. President John
Kennedy remains her hero; she still gets choked up when she
talks about him.
A graduate of Tuskegee University with a bachelor's
in education, she has been teaching for over 20 years. She
plans to continue teaching for many years; she does not like
to have too much idle time. She likes being active, and never
wants to "sit home and do nothing and be bored to death."
She has friends who are retired and are turning into "vegetables."
Having an active and productive lifestyle is important for
older adults. She said she learns something new every day
from her students, who she affectionately refers to as her
"children."
In spite of the age difference between us, we have grown up
feeling similarly. As African-American women, we've had to
work harder than others to prove our worth, always feeling
that we are not good enough to compete with the masses, as
though we are second class citizens. She is an inspiration
to me, having survived the civil rights movement, having completed
college, having pursued a successful 20 year career, and having
raised a loving family.
I interviewed my eighty-seven year old grandmother.
We discussed husband/wife relationship differences between
her generation and mine.
Most women married very young back in the 1930's, and remained
totally dependent on their father-figure husbands. These wives
tended to be very submissive, to cook and clean for their
men, and to rely on them regarding all financial matters.
My grandmother is soft-spoken and doesn't have many opinions.
She agrees with whatever my grandfather says. I learned for
the first time during our interview that she never even learned
to drive. I can't imagine forfeiting my independence by not
being able to drive. I am very outspoken in my current relationship
with my boyfriend. We listen to each other and respect each
other's opinions. We make decisions together.
My grandmother has always cooked three meals a day, and has
placed them on the table for my grandfather. She has always
washed the dishes. When I marry, I will cook because I love
to do so. I am quite sure, however that I will not cook three
meals per day and not even cook every day. I do feel that
my grandmother's practices of cooking and serving her husband
will pass on to me, not because I feel obligated, but because
I feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction at my boyfriend's
enjoyment of the food I cook.
My grandfather manages all of the family finances. My grandmother
doesn't have any idea how their money is spent, and doesn't
even ask. If they were to ever divorce, she would not be able
to survive because she has no experience managing money. I,
on the other hand, will not have to depend on a man financially.
Today's women must have the wherewithal to exist independently,
should they ever be left to fend for themselves.
My grandparents have been married since the 1930's. They
are not quite sure of the year, but it has been a long time.
Marriage back then was far more sacred than it is now. Today,
marriage is not taken seriously enough, and divorce at the
slightest provocation, is far too easy. When my grandfather
was a drunk, my grandmother stood by his side. When he cheated
on her, she stood by his side. When he was verbally abusive,
she stayed by his side. Although I have a problem with my
grandmother's steadfast devotion to her husband in the face
of his abuses and indiscretions, I do believe that couples
should work through their problems, making every effort to
salvage their marriages during difficult times.
Today, marriageable African-American males are hard to find,
a phenomenon that is creating intense pressure on African-American
women to maintain traditions. Women of my grandmother's generation
shortchanged themselves, had little self-confidence, and had
virtually no ability to live alone and unmarried. I plan to
marry and to use my grandmother's example to guide me. I will
never be the submissive wife that she is, but I am impressed
with her belief in the sanctity of marriage, and will try
to emulate her marriage in that regard.
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